Insomnia
by Emily Carol
Summary: Her life has fallen apart and Rory Gilmore doesn’t know what to do. [1 of 1]


Insomnia  
  
By Emily Carol  
  
Summary: Her life has fallen apart and Rory Gilmore doesn't know what to do. [1/1]  
  
Author's note: Hey! I'm starting to post my fanfics that I didn't have on here because my layout on my new site is really being delayed. The guy that does my layouts is a wrestler and he thought he broke his nose, turns out he has a blood clot in his nose, pleasant isn't it? So he's probably in no mood to work on my layout and I hate depriving people who read my stuff. So here's my one parter, Insomnia, and I'll work on getting more up later.  
  
****  
  
Insomnia had taken her over. She wasn't herself anymore. She stayed up late not being able to sleep and reminiscing about her past.  
  
Paris had been sick of the light on all night and forced her to sleep in the living room where she'd dragged out her mattress, blankets, and pillows every night, as well as her memories.  
  
And every night she would go through them; pictures and journals, anything, and every morning she would wake up after only an hour or two of sleep with bloodshot eyes and a cramp in her neck or back.  
  
Rory rubbed her eyes and looked at the clock on the side table. It was four-thirty. She stood up to put away the box of pictures she'd been glancing at, not really taking in, when some pictures fell out of it.  
  
She gathered them up but Lorelai's smiling face stopped her from placing them back in the box right away.  
  
Rory looked at the picture as her tears filled her eyes again. Lorelai was gone.  
  
The accident hadn't claimed her life, but it had claimed her mind.  
  
Rory brushed away the tears remembering little Lainey. Her mother had loved Lainey, so had Luke. She was their child together, and her life was cut tragically short.  
  
Rory clenched her hands together into fists letting her fingernails cut into her skin as she looked at the shape of Lainey lying in her mother's arms. What had such a small, innocent child done that was so wrong?  
  
What had she done to have her life taken away?  
  
Rory remembered her last visit to her mother.  
  
Rory rarely went to visit her now, it just depressed her more; sitting there and seeing her mother in a room where her mother couldn't see out, it just wasn't right. She wanted to talk with her mother, hug her, tell her it would be alright, and joke with her like the used to.  
  
Lorelai didn't talk anymore. Lainey's death had caused it.  
  
Luke went to see Lorelai daily, Rory knew that. Recently he'd told her she didn't have to go, he'd seen how depressed she became looking at Lorelai in that room.  
  
So Rory didn't go.  
  
She loved her mother, but she didn't want to see her like this.  
  
Rory brushed away her tears again as she placed Lorelai and Lainey's picture back in the box.  
  
Rory stared down at the next picture.  
  
Jess.  
  
He'd come back after Lainey's death, he had gone to her funeral and he didn't talk to her until right before he left.  
  
He wasn't living in California anymore; he was back in New York, in his own apartment.  
  
He said he was sorry for how he left and he was sorry about Lainey and he was sorry about Lorelai.  
  
She hadn't been able to say a thing. Not one word to him.  
  
Before he boarded the bus he hugged her and kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear "I Love You".  
  
Rory remembered her response. She hated herself for it. Why had she said that? Why had she said she hated him?  
  
What was wrong with her?  
  
Rory had refused to see a psychiatrist. She didn't want someone analyzing her.  
  
She tore Jess's picture in half before she started to cry harder. She reached for the tape and carefully mended the picture before returning it to the box.  
  
She had enough of memory lane and she went to put the rest of the pictures when an old picture of her and Lane when they were in fifth grade caught her eye.  
  
She looked at their large grins. Rory sighed. Lane and she didn't have any contact anymore.  
  
Lane was sick of Rory always being gone, she wanted to see her best friend more. Finally, in a fit of frustration Lane told her she was sick of being ignored.  
  
Rory never meant to ignore her.  
  
But she had.  
  
Lane moved away a week later, transferring to Wellesley College, the only college Mama Kim would allow her at besides the one she already attended because it was an all girl's school.  
  
She left telling Rory she wouldn't miss her or their friendship because it didn't seem to mean anything to Rory, so why should it mean anything to her?  
  
  
  
Rory knew she should go and visit Lane at college, but she couldn't put her heart into it.  
  
Lane left right before the death of Lainey and the insanity of Lorelai.  
  
Rory didn't think Lane knew that Lainey had died or that Lorelai had lost her mind and now spent her days in a white padded room sometimes in a straightjacket.  
  
Rory didn't know if she'd care.  
  
Rory put the picture back into the box. She wished her and Lane could be those two little girls in the picture again. She wished they could smile that huge just from being with each other.  
  
Lane had been with her through everything, throughout her life.  
  
Until Lainey's death and Lorelai's insanity Lane had been with her through everything.  
  
Rory wished Lane hadn't left, she wished they'd at least worked everything out before Lane had left and kept in touch.  
  
She wished Lane had come down to Stars Hollow when Lainey died.  
  
But then again, Lane didn't know.  
  
And even if she did, it seemed she didn't care.  
  
Rory looked at the next picture, hoping to see a happy face that connected to a happy memory.  
  
All Rory saw was Dean.  
  
Dean.  
  
Her boyfriend in high school, he had been so kind to her.  
  
She treated him like dirt, worse than dirt.  
  
He hadn't come to Lainey's funeral, he'd been too busy with his own baby.  
  
He had sent her a letter, it was attached to the picture of his family portrait he sent her at Christmas last year, right after Lainey's death.  
  
Dear Rory,  
  
I hope you receive this letter and do not hate me for not coming last week. I couldn't bear to see such a small child with so much life left in her being buried. It reminded me too much of my daughter Hana and I couldn't bear to see it.  
  
I know you are probably dealing with it fine, but tell Lorelai I hope she recovers, losing a daughter must be hard and I hope she never has to go through it again.  
  
I hope to be in contact with you soon.  
  
Love,  
  
Dean  
  
It was all too much. Rory walked out of her suite in a daze and up the stairs to the second floor and to the end of the hall.  
  
At the end stood a window that went from nearly the floor to the ceiling.  
  
Rory pushed the window open and stood on the edge of the windowsill.  
  
She could see herself jumping.  
  
She could hear sirens.  
  
She knew the fall would kill her.  
  
She would never feel the pain she felt right now.  
  
She would be in a better place  
  
Rory began to jump when the words of Dean's letter came to her.  
  
I hope she never has to go through it again.  
  
She couldn't do this. Not to her mother.  
  
Rory carefully stepped backwards off of the windowsill with tears filling her eyes and she went down the stairs and into her suite.  
  
She curled up on her mattress in the living room and cried.  
  
A few minutes later she felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked up to see Tanna sitting next to her mattress.  
  
"It's okay," Tanna said. "We all get homesick sometimes."  
  
Rory smiled slightly at Tanna's ignorance. Tanna didn't know what Rory was going through, she was only seventeen.  
  
"Thanks Tanna," Rory said. "You can go back to sleep."  
  
Tanna nodded shyly and headed back to her room without another word.  
  
Rory curled up on her bed with her knees to her chest as tears fell silently.  
  
She knew people other places had harder problems than her.  
  
There were people starving in parts of the world and there were people who were orphaned.  
  
There were people who were made fun of for being an individualist and people who were abused.  
  
Why did this have to happen to people? Why did people go hungry and orphaned? Why did people get made fun of for being themselves? And why were people abused?  
  
Why did people say things they didn't mean?  
  
Why were young lives taken from the people who loved them? Why did people lose their minds?  
  
Why were people depressed?  
  
People say that the world has gotten better in the last few years, but from Rory's view, nothing had changed. 


End file.
